i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Drunk is a universal language darling
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
