Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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