you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
