the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
