I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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