The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
