shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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