Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
God, I missed his penis.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
