thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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