he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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