A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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