homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
