Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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