It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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