I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
