Apparently you make a good broom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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