I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
