I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
