Pants 0. Shit 1.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
