Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
