I wish I could teleport
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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