john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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