You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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