My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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