The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
