I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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