I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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