Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
