Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
