How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
