OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
