Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
