Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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