I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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