I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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