I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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