laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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