hell yes lets make some ravioli
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
