my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
