Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
