hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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