Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
