There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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