theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
