Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
