never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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