I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
