Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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