Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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