She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
