sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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