1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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