I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
