my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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