Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
