I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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