Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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