yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
