i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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